5 Times Hagrid Was In Charge Of Throwing The Sex-And-Drugs Party For Quidditch Recruits, Ranked By How Depressing The Whole Thing Was
Star-caliber Quidditch players are few and far between, and wizarding schools must do whatever they can to attract five-star recruits to their sports programs. Unfortunately, these efforts can backfire at times, and nowhere does it go wrong more often than at Hogwarts.
1. The time when Hagrid was doing it surprise party style in the middle of the campus tour and Dumbledore tore his asshole in front of everyone
The Quidditch recruiting trip always had a pretty simple formula: the kids show up for a campus tour of Dumbledore in the morning, everyone goes to a Quidditch game in the afternoon, then there’s a big next level party in the evening to get recruits super excited about the Prospect of playing at Hogwarts. One morning when there were recruits visiting, Dumbledore was showing them around the cafeteria and doing this whole backward tour guide walk while hyping the daily omelette bar when suddenly Hagrid showed up and yelled in his goofy voice, “Welcome to Pleasure Island , young stallions! “Everyone then turned around to see Hagrid standing precariously on a lunch table with a dozen strippers by his side, all going to work right away, and all these kids – some of whom were 11, mind you – while Party Rock Anthem boomed a small glowing bluetooth speaker. Dumbledore was so upset by the stunt that he immediately teleported the strippers out of the cafeteria with his wand and pounded them loudly into Hagrid for being a “useless pig-brained fool” who “would never have got out of Azkaban “Then Hagrid burst into tears and kept apologizing, snot on his face. He said that the new cocktail of antidepressants he was taking was impairing his judgment and he was just trying to be helpful. Dumbledore was leading.” then all the Quidditch players away from Hagrid, leaving him alone in the cafeteria, where he sobbed softly as he served the entire breakfast spread ate prepared by himself for the recruits.
2. The time when Hagrid got sloppily drunk and relieved himself of not knowing what his birthday is like a rescue dog
On that occasion, Hagrid had a group of recruits in his shed in the woods, which is an incredibly exciting place. It’s basically just a dingy cabin in the middle of the forest that smells like freezing heat and animal shit, but on that particular night the recruits didn’t seem to mind. A couple of them had managed to get their hands on some beer and they all just had a really good time drinking and hanging out until someone somewhere on the line made the mistake of giving Hagrid a couple of beers, which he got at 100 Percent couldn’t handle. He almost instantly started putting his arm around people and saying gross shit like, “You have to let me know where you’re going to sleep next year so I can live with you” and “Everyone thinks they’re better . ” than me just because I can’t read “Most of the time the recruits just ignored him, but then he burst into tears and started babbling that he has no idea what his birthday is like the way people with rescue dogs don’t.
“You’re so lucky and you don’t even know it,” he said in a trembling voice, staring numbly at his can of Miller High Life. “It’s not even my birthday. I don’t know when it’s like I’m a fucking dog! “Then he took off his shirt and said he was overheated before continuing,” It would be just nice to have my own special day, you know? A day when everyone has to be nice to you, when nobody hurts your feelings or… ”He fell silent and just sat there for a while, which made things extremely uncomfortable for everyone there. A couple of kids patted him on the back in support, but it wasn’t long before everyone found excuses to leave and within about 10 minutes all the recruits had fled, leaving Hagrid alone in the dark, longing for a birthday, the I will never have it.
3. The time when Hagrid attempted to magically conjure up a mechanical bull created a real bull instead, with its legs essentially welded to the ground
This was another party that started well but quickly headed south. Everyone was hanging out in Hagrid’s yard because the inside was filled with dead animals that Hagrid had practiced taxidermy on. The recruits were just sipping their 40s and having a good time until Hagrid got up at some point and said, “Chooo boy, tell you what, this party just needs a beautiful woman riding a mechanical bull, right? Have you ever seen this Nothing is sexier than that. “The kids pretended not to hear Hagrid, but that didn’t deter him at all when he suddenly pulled out his trusty umbrella – which, you will remember, he had to use for magic because of his wand Had been confiscated years earlier when Dumbledore overheard him. He boasted in the teacher’s lounge about stabbing a garter snake – and shouted, “Give me some stone, give me some bun, give me a sexy mechanical cop.” This was clearly not the right one Say, since then a real bull showed up in front of them instead of a mechanical one and his legs were basically soldered to the floor just below his knees. The thing immediately started screeching and tried hard to uproot, but to no avail. All that could do was pull and pull and groan in a wild, jerky panic, like a mouse clinging to a glue trap. ”Everyone was deeply appalled, and when Hagrid noticed people weren’t having fun, he tried to fix things with another spell, but this only succeeded in setting the bull on fire – a sight that deeply traumatized all recruits. With Hagrid unable to bring the situation under control, an angry next-level Dumbledore eventually had to get out of bed and go to the party in his pajamas, where he then cast a spell that was supposed to humanly euthanize the bull instead that poor thing cramped like an asshole for a good half an hour before it finally died. It was later found that Hagrid’s spell had caused the bull’s hooves to be rooted in the ground like a tree and the roots of the hoofs to spread so far that they could not be dug up with a shovel. Hogwarts had to order a special CAT excavator to remove the animal, but it took a long time to ship. The bull lingered there for a few weeks, and its disgusting stench wafted over campus every time a breeze blew. Just an absolute shit show.
4. The time Hagrid was demonstrating how to play the choking game passed out for a good 45 minutes and woke up with a permanent stutter
This recruit party got off to an immediate bad start as Hagrid had no alcohol or drugs to make the fun easier, which made the kids bored and visibly angry. Hagrid explained that he couldn’t buy them illegal substances because Hogwarts didn’t pay him a salary and his state performance card could only be used for basic groceries and other things. However, he claimed he knew something much funnier than alcohol and drugs. At this point he jumped to his feet, tied the rope he was using as a belt very tightly around his neck, and then choked himself for a good 15 minutes or more before they finally passed out and fell chin first into a brick ledge . For a while after that, he just lay on the floor bleeding all over and looking dead like shit. And remember, he never explained the choking game before, so all the recruits thought they had just watched him kill himself. After the initial shock wore off, some kids rummaged through Hagrid’s drawers and shit, looking for jewelry to pawn. Hagrid woke up about 45 minutes later to find that almost all of the children were gone and those who were left raised his mattress and looked for cash. “Www-where is everyone?” Hagrid muttered a very pronounced stutter that would stay with him for the rest of his life. “Don’t you want to celebrate with me?” It was all so damn depressing. Somebody let Hagrid’s dog out while he was also passed out, and she wasn’t the kind of dog that was allowed outside because she was running away, and that’s exactly what happened. Hagrid whined and stuttered this dog all night, wondering if the recruits might be taking them back to the dormitories. But this dog was gone a long time. It took off into the forest and was chased and eaten by a centaur almost immediately. Only a sad situation begins to end.
5. When Hagrid threw the party at a Russian bathhouse, the recruits left unattended to convince a masseuse to give him a handjob, and a child drowned in a pool
After discovering that the parties in his shed never went exactly well, Hagrid decided for a year that the recruits could have more fun if he took them to a Russian bathhouse. The spa was about an hour from Hogwarts in a lower-middle-class suburb, nestled in a mostly empty mall between a petco and a dirty looking pizzeria, the door of which was held open with an ash block, and everything about it was super overwhelming. Not only was the place disgusting, but wall to wall filled with robed elderly Eastern European men, their scaly, dead-looking dongs dangling freely in front of the children. The recruits were clearly feeling uncomfortable, but for some reason Hagrid was having the time of his damned life. The guy was in rare shape. Maybe it was excitement not to be at Hogwarts for the first time in several years, or maybe he found all the old dongs exciting – no way to honestly know. But within the first 15 seconds of entering this spa lobby, Hagrid lightly announced to the kids, “I’m getting a handjob today,” then asked all the masseuses there, one by one, to hand him over for Hogwarts class credits. In the meantime, the unsupervised children have been doing what unsupervised children do. They found the kitchen and stole some weird Russian beers and cans of whipped cream, all got fucked up with alcohol and whippets, and only about 20 minutes after they walked into the lobby one of the recruits got too fucked up and drowned in one of the cold pools he was in was discovered covertly in the water and hovered lifeless near the chrome handrail by the stairs. This was a huge nightmare for Hogwarts as not only did the school pay massive severance payments to the dead child’s parents, but the Quidditch program had all of its wins to play and an unprecedented five-year ban from the league was played. From that day on, Hogwarts had no choice but to focus its track and field program on the bowling team, which, like the Quidditch team, didn’t make alumni dollars. It was a disaster scenario for the school, and it was all thanks to Hagrid’s utter inability to throw a decent party.