With unemployment rates still surprisingly high due to the Covid-19 pandemic, many people have had to change their life situation in order to save money. Unfortunately, not all of these new life situations are a match made in heaven: The Pew Research Center has confirmed that the pandemic has forced a record number of tight, demanding snobs to move in with their carefree, goofy slides.
Good God. These are the very last types of people that should be living together!
The alarming study found that the number of snooty, tweed and khakis freaks who live with crumbly, unshaven schlubs is now higher than at any point since the Great Depression, making millions of Americans very susceptible to troubled sitcom hijinks through weird incongruent roommate dynamics. Despite frequent clashes between discerning snobs who need hours of silence to contain their Kierkegaard reading and idlers who always tend to spill bong water on the Kierkegaard volumes, their roommates try in vain to read about the financial burdens Caused by the pandemic, these slides have left no choice but to find a way to make them work until their leases run out – that is, as long as the fools don’t set off fireworks and accidentally burn the house down first.
“This pandemic has left many know-it-alls in the upper crust on their luck after being laid off from jobs with posh publishers or narrowly missing out on prestigious academic scholarships that went to their nemes instead. Take on a Craigslist roommate, who made the understatement of the year when she called herself ‘a little messy’, “said lead researcher Dr. Susan Gu.” And unfortunately, although these snobs often dictate that they ‘never go through another night with a fool, who believes that Play-Doh is the name of a philosopher, these life situations are often more permanent than you think, as now a year after the start of the pandemic, only one in 30 snobs has managed to find a new roommate who actually has his own toothbrush and not only used hers in secret. “
In addition, the researchers found that these statistic coincided with an increase in the amount of dishes in the sink that attracted ants, as well as with a sharp increase in the number of unexplained stray dogs in the living room that were apparently taken in as pets. However, it doesn’t affect the number of wrestling pay-per-views seen by the slobs at high volume levels or the number of nights it takes the slob’s best friends to tumble on the futon – two Numbers That Remain Remarkably Constant No matter how many task charts or passive aggressive comments about poor hygiene your more pedantic roommates throw their way.
While the data showed evidence of rare instances where the snobs and slobs could put their differences aside and pleasantly throw a few beers together, the researchers found that those nights usually ended in some sort of total disaster – like the slob mixed up for the ashes the snob’s grandfather with Nesquik and drank it, or the snob ate one of the slob’s homemade brownies without realizing that there was THC in it and went mad – which subsequently led the snobs to wander on their tense paths doubled months.
This study only confirms what these incongruous, odd couples should have known before signing the same lease: that no meticulous snob, sent into an OCD spiral at the sight of a slightly sloping carpet, should ever live with a disheveled crush, who somehow thinks it’s okay to put his greasy pizza slices directly on the couch. We hope that the pandemic will end soon, because there is no way that these people can sustain this unheard of life situation for too long.