Brace yourself because the story that’s currently playing out in Hatboro, PA will absolutely crush you: This white 14 year old who is having a great time doing parkour alone while blowing “A Milli” is having no idea he’s secretly being filmed for a TikTok, this is going to go viral and ruin his life.
Good God. It’s just so heartbreaking.
Eighth grader Brian Neumann is currently having the best time of his life heaving himself on the dumpster in the alley in front of his mother’s apartment, but the fun will unfortunately be short-lived with a few sophomores from a neighboring high school Are you secretly filming him for a video that you will later post on TikTok, with a caption calling him “The Parkour Wigger”. Although Brian smiles from ear to ear as he jumps back and forth between the bike rack and a communal grill and Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” roars from an iHome speaker given by his older cousin, he will ultimately regret the decision making awkward 360 degree jumps from various chairs and landscaping equipment while quietly rapping for himself as the footage of that moment becomes the biggest thing on the internet, ultimately sparking an hugely popular TikTok craze in which his moves from Millions of teenagers are recreated as well as actress Courtney Cox in a depressing attempt to stay relevant.
While it might be cool for him to see the TikTok craze he unwittingly sparked off “A Milli” being catapulted to the top of the Billboard charts and becoming relevant to a new generation, the horrific social ramifications that it is Brian as a result of The Whole World sees a clip in which he triumphantly “Mothafucka, I’m sick!” landing a wheel off a three foot wheelchair ramp is sure to negate any positive effects. And surely he would have just stayed inside if he had known that his sweaty, breathless attempt at rapping would trigger a viral tweet from a (white) Atlantic writer saying, “It’s cultural appropriation for whites to sing the words of Black Artists ”, which would then lead to his being mocked by Pete Davidson in a poorly received SNL sketch parodying the debacle, which ultimately led to him being bullied endlessly by his colleagues for a good decade .
Worse, if Brian hadn’t turned up the iHome as loudly as possible, he would likely hear the giggles nearby that would alert him to the fact that he was being filmed, which would have prevented the video from being recorded just at the moment in which he falls awkwardly from an outdoor water heater due to a serious miscalculation of his own weight, but also at the moment he briefly tries to crumple and accidentally hit his groin, causing an embarrassing squeak in pain for weeks to come Remixed and automatically adjusted countless times by content creators around the world. And while the public may finally forget this moment in a few years, it will unfortunately go viral again in 2029 after Roku’s “Farewell To The 2020s” special when comedian Jaboukie Young-White calls it “the second most humiliating” Thing a white man did behind Billie Eilish’s jazz fusion album in this century. ”While the TikTok in and of itself destroys any chance of Brian’s happy, dignified life almost immediately after its release, it will be the straw seeing his favorite comedian roast him on national television who eventually breaks the camel’s back and leads him to opioids.
Shot. Poor child.
How absolutely tragic. Although it is now far too late for Brian to turn back, I wish him strength and courage as he overcomes the aftermath of his silly attempts at parkour for the remainder of his waking days. Our hearts are with you, Brian!